Narcissist? Soothe. Don’t Provoke.

Those of you who have to deal with a narcissist in your life will get this immediately.

Ever notice how the narcissist in your life can present as such an expert of all your faults?

It is stunning how down to small details they can run you down and use a thread of manipulated half truths and outright lies to reflect negatively upon you. In the more malignant of cases, they will then go on to more publically do so. Social media can become their weapon of choice.

It is so important to know, this is their reality, as manufactured as it may be.

It hides their inadequacies, things about themselves they cannot stand. By projecting upon you, their target of blame, they externalize that which belongs to them on you.

Arguing with them makes it worse. It infuriates and as such, causes them to escalate.

As difficult as it may be and if you feel you must respond, simply acknowledge they feel as they feel.

Acknowledging how they feel is neither condoning or validating that they are correct.

However, acknowledging their feelings tends to sooth their soul.

As they are soothed, their attacks may lessen.

The real challenge though in this, is managing your own triggers where you want to set them straight.

That is a reasonable trigger and desire.

However, engaging in a process of righting their wrong is only like bringing gas to a fire, igniting more rage and acting out.

Instead, if you must respond consider any of the following remarks:

“I am sorry you feel that way.”

“Yes, you have been saying that about me for some time. I get you have strong feelings about me.”

“I can accept that is your point of view and will respect your right to hold it.”

Those are all phrases to only acknowledge having heard what they said. They are only to soothe, not validate.

Those phrases are not for everyone, but something to consider along with providing no response whatsoever.

The key is in appreciating you cannot argue their false narrative. Your choice is about not inflaming, how to respond to only soothe, and moving on.

Be careful what you post to social media. Do not speak disparagingly of them. It’s always about managing our own boundaries.

Retain control of your own dignity when someone else seeks to damage it.

That speaks louder than the slurs of the other.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.