When One Parent Puts Down the Other

I feel for the child who’s told bad things about a parent either for revenge or just to “win” more time with their child.

That poor child will grow up knowing they are half of each parent.

If one half is deemed bad, then what does that child do with that part of themselves representing that parent?

In such a situation, I can only hope the parent who is badmouthed, doesn’t do the same thinking it evens the score. If they do, then the child may internalize both halves are bad, leaving them at risk of loathing themselves.

If aware of this dynamic, don’t look to settle the score. Instead just empathize with the child:

“I’m sorry you have to listen to such things. It must be uncomfortable. Come, let’s make dinner.”

That empathizing instead or correcting, or worse, suggests to the child it isn’t true because you haven’t reacted adversely to it. To add, you haven’t thrown the other parent under the bus.

That leaves the child intact, albeit perhaps wondering why the other parent would say such. You leave the child feeling safe and supported.

So, don’t go down those rabbit holes. The goal is for your child to feel whole and for your relationship unaffected by your own response.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.