Skip to content

Those @#!$* Video Games!

So many parents seem befuddled, not knowing what to do when their child is hooked on video games.

They spend considerable time negotiating, coaching, goading, yelling, screaming and threatening.

If the child cannot stop their play and is resistant to any of those approaches, the real solution is to cut off their supply.

It’s important to appreciate that gaming can be compared to any substance addiction. Any amount keeps the user hooked, looking for the next fix.

To think a parent can simply limit use typically sets up a cat and mouse dynamic where the child is forever begging, seeking, sneaking or even threatening to increase their online time, their dose, their fix.

No addict gives up their source voluntarily. It requires an intervention.

In the case of video gaming, it’s about disconnecting. It’s about removing access altogether.

That can mean getting rid of the gaming system or putting controls on their devices or turing off the internet.

The child will certainly protest. That is to be expected.

In the more extreme situations a child may threaten their own well-being, that of another or seek to destroy property. These are not reasons to discontinue, but concerns to plan for. Get help.

If the child thinks they can earn the gaming back over time, this will be their sole focus. Gone is gone. Gaming is not something for this child to earn.

While the child will likely object at first, they should be offered opportunity to engage in other reasonable activities. If they decline, they likely are just not ready and still working through their anger and addiction issues.

If your child is neurodivergent, you may have to modify your approach and to do so may also require discussion with a professional who can address the process in view of that child’s unique neurology.

Sadly though, many parents seek to avoid the showdown.

The degree to which a parent backs down, starts negotiating, gives in, the child wins and the issue continues. Some things you can’t finesse.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

Growth – It comes from the problems we face….

My first essay at university earned me a “D”. It was written on the top of the page as a large red letter.

The comment beneath the letter was, “You have a serious writing problem.”

I went to that prof and asked for help.

He told me to read Hemingway.

I told him I didn’t enjoy novels and he said that I should get his anthology of short stories then. That way, I could quickly get through one story and then another. It would be easier for me to manage.

He said by reading Hemingway, I could copy his style. Short sentences. Few sentences per paragraph. My essay was like one run on sentence with little punctuation.

I actually enjoyed reading that anthology of short stories.

That little piece of advice did the trick. My marks rose to a B, sometimes a B+. I never cracked the code for an A. I still got my degree.

I’ve written two books, was a newspaper colunmist for 13 years (650 columns) and have written at least some 5,000 articles.

That critical feedback. That bright red, big “D.” That prof.

He did me a favor.. and then he gave guidance when asked.

Growth. It comes less from what we know than tackling what we don’t.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

Attachment Theory Through Three Examples

The baby goes wah. It’s the parent’s job to figure out why so that they may soothe the child.

The parent often checks the diaper first. It’s quick and easy.

Assuming a clean diaper and the baby is still in distress, the parent tries to feed the child, wondering if hungry. However, in this case the child continues to wah.

Not sure what to do next, the parent lifts the child in the air and goes, “Cootchi coo.” With that, the child settles. It seems the little one just needed some stimulation.

Throughout, the child’s experience is that when in distress, the parent (an adult) comes when signaled, works to figure out the cause of distress, and finds a solution.

With that the child feels both valued and safe.

That is the interplay between parent and baby that contributes to what is referred to as a secure attachment.

That, continued over time, causing the little one to feel valued and safe particularly when in distress, creates an internal template for expectations in other relationships.

Oh to be valued and feel safe as an infant…. and then throughout development and life.

——

Not all parents are responsive to the infant on a timely basis.

Indeed some infants may experience a lack response or at least delayed response. These, on a regular basis.

So when the baby goes wah, nothing happens. They may signal again and again. Wah… wah.

Hopefully the parent finally responds. However in this scenario the infant may never know if a response will be forthcoming or not.

In these situations, right from infancy the little one learns that others may not be responsive or fully responsive to their needs.

They cannot trust the other to be there for them when needed. They may not develop a sense of value or safety through relationships.

This creates the conditions that can contribute to what is known as an insecure attachment to primary caregivers.

That insecure attachment may be projected on to other persons/relationships. They may not look to feel safe, valued or feel soothed by those where the expectation would be reasonable.

For some it can create a vulnerability, an emotional hole that can open them to manipulation or exploitation.

Others may deploy the promise of meeting those unmet needs as a lure where they then act in the interest of their own needs thus taking advantage of the vulnerable.

Being there for the infant particularly when in distress is protective against a weak or negative self-view and issues of lack of connection or neediness in other relationships.

—-

What if the infant’s growing up experience is somewhat chaotic and at times scary?

The infant was just being an infant. When hungry, cold, needing a change, the infant would cry out, wah.

At times the parent was responsive. They were there on a timely and calm basis to address whatever the need signaled.

Other times though, not so responsive. Often the child would cry out more, hoping to catch the parent’s attention. Sometimes it worked. Not always.

There was the odd occasion though when that extra crying out would elicit an angry reaction from the parent.

The parent would finally rush to the child, scolding for crying and at times spanking the child believing the disturbance to be a deliberate attempt to provoke them.

It was harsh. It terrified the infant.

On a go-forward basis the infant was unsure about signaling any need.

Where the parent was visible, the infant would look over and try to determine the mood of the parent before signaling.

At times the infant couldn’t get a read on the parent. The infant didn’t know what to do in those situations. The infant was emotionally paralyzed, anxious.

This child had what is known as a disorganized attachment.

As the child aged, having a need caused them to be leery of others.

They did their best to read others, cuing into the smallest of details before seeking anything. Where unsure, they just held back, distracted in part by waves of anxiety.

Our growing up experiences. It can so determine how we get along with others and the basis for how we form relationships.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

About that Parenting Approach….

Parenting theories and approaches can go in and out of style. It’s as if the theory of the day is the only one that holds merit. The older theories become outcast.

However, they mostly all continue to hold merit.

Today’s parenting approach is labled gentle parenting. With that, gone are behavioral approaches where one consider reward and consequences.

Thing is, any one theory or approach can be mis-applied and relying solely on one reminds of the saying, “A carpenter who only owns a hammer, treat everything like a nail.”

In other words any one theory applied to all issues, simply won’t fit.

With that in mind, I have seen a steady rise in referrals of neurotypical kids whose behavior is problematic.

The parents continue to have those calm conversations with their kids only to see a spike in tantrums as they do so, as well as a continuation of the behavior leading to trouble.

I tell these parents that if we look at the issue through a behavioral lens, all those discussions, while well-intentioned, are pouring attention on misbehavior thus inadvertently reinforcing it.

Rather than those discussions, more helpful would be a withdrawal of attention and likely a manufactured consequence such as an immediate loss of privilege of short duration or time away from anything pleasurable, again for short duration.

I like to think of the traffic stop for speeding. license and registration please. It’s not much of a discussion.

No explanation by the officer will hold as much impact on speeding as the ticket and the loss of several bucks, possibly some demerit points and the threat of a spike in the insurance premium.

None of what happens at the traffic stop for a violation is an assault on dignity or ego. It is a sharp reminder of a cost for the transgression of speeding. It is something to learn from.

Now there will be those who will throw their weight and bias to their belief in a single guiding theory. No issue. You are the parent and you will do accordingly.

However, those who are more flexible in their thinking and approach are more apt to see a resolution to their concern and the child’s behavior typically improves. Indeed, most see a happier child too as a result.

The best of tool boxes have multiple tools from which to choose.

No two kids are the same and even if you have one doing well with a singular approach, given diversity, not all will.

If your child is having some behavioral issues and whatever you are doing isn’t working, don’t throw out the kid. Consider another approach.

Gentle parenting wasn’t meant to be the absense of consequences as much as the reasonable and calm application of guiding one’s child.

There will never be a one size fits all when it comes to parenting. Be cautious about all the positive attention that may in fact be feeding that challenging behavior.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

When One Parent Puts Down the Other

I feel for the child who’s told bad things about a parent either for revenge or just to “win” more time with their child.

That poor child will grow up knowing they are half of each parent.

If one half is deemed bad, then what does that child do with that part of themselves representing that parent?

In such a situation, I can only hope the parent who is badmouthed, doesn’t do the same thinking it evens the score. If they do, then the child may internalize both halves are bad, leaving them at risk of loathing themselves.

If aware of this dynamic, don’t look to settle the score. Instead just empathize with the child:

“I’m sorry you have to listen to such things. It must be uncomfortable. Come, let’s make dinner.”

That empathizing instead or correcting, or worse, suggests to the child it isn’t true because you haven’t reacted adversely to it. To add, you haven’t thrown the other parent under the bus.

That leaves the child intact, albeit perhaps wondering why the other parent would say such. You leave the child feeling safe and supported.

So, don’t go down those rabbit holes. The goal is for your child to feel whole and for your relationship unaffected by your own response.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

Therapy Training…. It was intense.

In my training as a family therapist in the 1980s, we used to have a team of colleagues observing our therapy sessions from behind a one-way mirror. The sessions would also be videotaped.

Beside the therapist was a phone that served as a direct line to the people behind the mirror.

At any point during the session anyone could call the therapist as they were meeting with the family.

Calĺs would direct the therapist, particularly if the therapist missed something that should be addressed.

The therapist could be given remarkably direct instructions on what to say, how to say it and even about body posture while delivering the information or questions.

This was our normal and as un-normal as it would be for the family, it was amazing how they would settle into the situation and simply engage with the therapist.

I had hundreds of hours of that training. And then of course there were those videotapes.

In supervision with the manager we would review those tapes and discuss the questions asked, again the body posture, and also facial expressions. Those would all be examined in the context of the families reaction.

The training was so intense. The scrutiny and the feedback covered everything. Nothing was missed. I had to account for every word spoken as well as every movement.

Now, when I sit in front of people, I tend to notice so much.

It could be a glance, a twitch, a finger tap, a breath, an inflection. At the same time I am aware of my posture, gaze, facial expressions.

The training is built upon by practice. I started that training in 1984. I have been practicing since.

At this pont in my life, it’s just part of who I am.

—-

She spoke. When the content was distressing, he leaned close. Periodically he placed his hand on her shoulder when she was particularly upset. At all times she appeared comforted by his gestures. This was evidenced by her lowering of her shoulders and relaxing of breath. At no time did he interrupt and she was able to complete her information sharing. Upon finishing, she turned her head towards him and then tilted it slightly to him. She smiled.

—-

The lad, six years of age, played easily with some blocks while I met with his mother. When his father entered the room the lad shifted to seat himself so he could see both parents. His play was more tentative as his gaze shifted between his parents. The lad’s breathing was more shallow. When mom spoke, dad was quick to talk over her. It was only several minutes before the lad was seated in her lap and between her and his father.

—–

I loved that training. Behavior speaks.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

Alcohol Consumption. It adds up.

On a daily or weekly basis how many alcoholic beverages do you consume?

He answered that he was a social drinker.

So I asked how many times a week do you socialize and when you do, how many beverages do you have?

He said he gets together with friends maybe four or five times a week. Mostly in the garage. Mostly with neighbors.

He said he might have four or five beers. Sometimes a drink of rye.

Are those regular beers or tall boys?

Tall boys.

That rye, how many fingers high in the glass?

Three or four.

I did the math.

Four tall boys was about five standard alcoholic beverages. Three fingers of rye in a glass was at least two standard beverages, which he revised as having on each occasion.

The calculation was simple: about six drinks per occasion, about 4 times a week, equalled 24 beverages weekly.

That was a conservative estimate. If five times a week and seven beverages per occasion, the weekly total is 35.

His wife sat quietly as we went through that part of the discussion. She knew it was more, that he was under-reporting.

With the numbers he presented, he didn’t see a problem.

He was quite unaware of the financial cost as well as the impact on his relationship and with his kids.

He wasn’t prepared to hear of it either.

Couple counseling wasn’t going to get far.

He was at what is called the precontemplation stage of change. That really means he hasn’t considered it yet. Some people remain there.

I suggested she attend individual counseling for herself as well as Al-Anon.

Some folks you never hear from again.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

DV – When the Teen Fights Back

Trigger warning. This post discusses violence against women.

——-

I asked directly if there had ever been hitting between his parents.

He spoke of how his dad was violent with his mother.

When I asked if it ever stopped, he said it did, at least for a while.

I asked how.

He described a violent and chaotic scene. Dad was on a tirade, mother screaming. He knew she was going to get it again. He worried that this time it would be worse.

He got a bat and took on his father. Adrenaline was pumping.

He never struck his dad, but his intensity and mid adolescent size was enough for his dad to back down. He threatened his dad that if he ever hit her again, he would kill him.

Mom never left his father. This fellow left home before reaching twenty.

He himself was a gentle fellow.

He needed to address trauma contributing to alcohol consumption.

He had been to previous therapists. I asked if this had been discussed before.

He said no. No one had ever asked.

He did well in therapy. We chatted about it all.

Over my 40+ years of practice, this would be a scenario I would hear from time to time.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

With The World Teetering

I know, the world feels precarious to many these days.

That precariousness is heightened by those who would seek to deny science, instead relying on leaders who spew their own brand of information.

They appeal to those financially disenfranchised, those whose anger is ready to be fueled. It works. Sadly.

There is no arguing with many of these folks. They are locked into nonsensical perspectives unable to see the fallacies of their logic.

I remember a logical fallacy I held deeply as a young person.

I thought the whole world was Jewish.

Considering I grew up the first 11 years of my in the Jewish part of Toronto, it kind of makes sense.

In my elementary school there was only one non-Jewish student in all my classes from Kindergarten to sixth grade.

It seemed that where ever we shopped, everyone looked and sounded like our family.

It really wasn’t until my young twenties did I really understand the whole world wasn’t Jewish and that indeed, we were a tiny minority that a good portion of the world doesn’t like.

So it is, those seeking to prey on and control others for their own gain rely on the logical fallacies they can exploit.

They include:

Fear of being replaced;

Fear of having their faith marginalized;

Fear that their chance for advancement will go to immigrants taking their opportunities;

Fear that their freedoms will be curtailed;

Fear that they will suffer financially if taxed, without understanding the progress nature of taxation and that wealthy thus far are not contributing proportionately.

All of this, all to actually construct a world where the haves can exploit the have nots. All of this so that power and wealth can be concentrated at the top of the food chain.

It is such a paradox that the very things feared will be perpetrated against them by those promising otherwise.

I do believe the world is in a precarious place. Teetering.

I also believe that we need to marshal our strengths. Not act mean-spiritedly in kind. Continue to support those who need support.

I think we need to lead by example. Be kind. Be helpful. Look past the vitriol and lead a life of example.

We certainly don’t have to be perfect, just reasonable. We manage the barrage and remain standing, neither arguing nor defending.

We continue to live reasonable caring lives.

And very importantly, we vote and support policies that are aligned with the values of compassion, equity, inclusion and concern for the environment.

Some might call it love.

I like to think of it more as love in action.

Positive action. Therein we make a difference.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

How Much Do You Accommodate Your Kids?

There’s a concept known as over-accommodating.

That is when the parent seeks to be supportive of a child expressing some sort of difficulty and does so in a way that is disproportionate to the need or in a way that lessens or dials back their expectation.

As such, the parent is seeking to be helpful, not at all realizing that their response to the child’s issue is actually enabling it.

This can occur with the child hurts themself minimally, expresses a fear (anxiety), or simply a dislike. In these instances, there is nothing truly tragic or unsafe or unreasonable, but the child carries on as if so and the parent is in a sense, overly nice about it.

The parent typically seeks for the child to be heard and validated.

What isn’t necessarily seen by the parent is that the child takes this as the go-ahead to continue with their objection or issue, seeking to avoid in order to receive some sort of benefit which could be avoidance of a task or expectation, or special attention and/or compensation.

As a means of managing boo-boos, or generalized or even specific anxieties, or even food preferences, over-accommodating can increase the very issue sought to address.

If the issue reaches a threshold where the parent seeks counseling for the child, very often the counseling of choice is CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy).

Ironically, CBT is somewhat the opposite of over-accommodating where the child learns to confront their issues such that the issues may be overcome.

If the over-accomodating of the parent isn’t recognized, CBT may be less effective, leading to a poor outcome as well as a poor view of the treatment approach.

Research out of Yale suggests that actually treating the parents for their over-accommodating is as affective as CBT for the child (assuming the parent’s over-accommodating doesn’t interfere).

As a preference, I lean to working with the parent over the child. In so doing the parent develops the insight and skills to address current and future issues should they arise, and the child gains a reasonable role model from them to learn.

Over-accommodating. It comes from good intentions. Good intentions can inadvertently backfire.

Managing over-accommodating means first recognizing it and then learning strategies to still be supportive while managing pushback.

Sometimes just stepping back and realizing what has been happening is enough to facilitate necessary change.


Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/gary-feb-12.jpg?w=200&h=301

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.