Managing That Teen

When the relationship with your teen is in tatters, it’s up to you to restore it.

Lectures won’t do it. Gifts won’t do it. Harsher punishments won’t do it either.

Consider guerilla love.

In guerilla warfare we sneak up on our enemy combatant and when they least suspect it, we attack, slay and sneak away.

With guerilla love, we sneak up on our kid not to slay, but to deliver a small and quick act of affection.

The teen rarely left their room. When they did, it was like an invitation to conflict.

It could be over not showing up for dinner, a messy bedroom, schoolwork incomplete.

Like a turtle withdrawing into their shell, the teen withdraws to their room.

The parent heard of guerilla love.

With the teen in their room, the parent knocked on the door. Barely receiving a response, the parent walked in and over to their teen. They quickly gave a light touch on their shoulder and exited as quickly as they entered.

On another occasion they entered with their teen seated at their desk, on the computer.

The parent gave the teen a quick kiss on the top of their head and left.

These small and ongoing acts left the teen confused. They thought the parent hated them and now had to contend with these small acts of affection.

Either the parent has lost their mind or they were still lovable.

A week later the teen showed up to the dinner table. There was no pouncing by the parent. There was no going down the rabbit hole of issues. Just dinner.

The guerilla love continued. With time the frequency of time out of their room increased.

By then the parent also learned to be curious versus demanding with their teen.

The parent also came to realize that in the absense of a relationship, they had no influence either.

The days of control were long gone.

With a renewed relationship the parent offered opinion without seeking compliance.

With time other behavior settled down. There was more communication. While concerns remained, the direction of life improved.

While waiting for their child to change, the parent changed first. It made all the difference.

Guerilla love.

---

Are you following me on Facebook yet? If not, you are missing many more posts!

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com for counseling and support

www.garydirenfeld.com – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.