When Your Co-Parent is a N-rcissist

One of the more challenging realities when in a parenting dispute with a n-rcissist, is coming to terms with the fact that no one will rescue you.

Not the courts, not your lawyer, not any therapist.

It’s a harsh reality.

Rather, one must learn how to cope, how to manage the n-rcissist, how to handle kids being adversely influenced, how to best navigate the court system.

It’s a lot of learning. A lot of learning.

The reason there is a lot of learning to be had is because even though one sees their ex as a n-rcissist, they still use the same strategies they would use as on a non-n-rcissit or “normal” person.

Well, if they are a n-rcissist, they are not “normal” and hence those strategies won’t work.

It must be understood that the angry n-rcissist doesn’t care about winning or a mutually agreeable outcome. They also don’t care who gets hurt in the pursuit of their primary goal, even if it is the kids.

To the n-rcissist, kids are just another tool or object for them to use as a means of retribution.

The angry n-rcissist, whether overt or covert is motivated mainly by the destruction of the one who pulled the plug on their control, power and n-rcissistic supply. The other parent… You.

Strategies that seek a win/win between these parents are doomed to fail as it doesn’t represent the n-rcissist’s goal.

Strategies that seek to neutralize their impact have a better chance of improving the situation.

There is rarely making it all better, but there can be incremental improvement in the outcome, which in these situations is a win.

To neutralize, one must learn:

How to manage reactions,

Only respond when necessary and non-defensively,

Be clear in boundaries in a non-adversarial manner,

Be as impeccable as possible in one’s own behavior so as not to provide ammunition,

How to manage and support kids acting as emissary.

It can be a tall order.

It requires one to wrap their heads around their reality, a reality that few others will understand and to whom it likely won’t make sense.

Then it will require that considerable learning, be it with a suitable trained counselor or coach and/or through specific books. Then it will take practice to become skillful in those new strategies.

It can be done.

First, one must let go of those rescue hopes and fantasies.

There’s work to be done.

It is a harsh reality. The sooner embraced, the sooner one get get on with the necessary tasks.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

gary@yoursocialworker.com
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Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.