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People are a Package Deal….

June 29, 2020

We all have two sides.

It could be public versus private. It could be how we manage ourselves when happy and satisfied versus unhappy or frustrated. It may be how we are when getting our way versus not getting our way. We all have two sides.

The issue is how well those two sides align.

With reasonable people who are reasonably well adjusted, there may not be much of a distance between those two sides. Their emotions and behavior fall within acceptable limits.

However, with unreasonable people or people whose self interest takes priority over others, there can be a big distance between those two sides.

Frequently those living with a person whose two sides don’t align, where one side is difficult or even mean, seek to help that person better align their two sides. They may want that person to attend counseling either on their own or as a couple to reign in the troublesome side.

That person may deny a troublesome side or try to make it a matter of the other person for bringing it out in them. Either way, they reject the idea of counseling. They are ok with their two sides.

In these situations people still pursue counseling for their difficult partner or if attending counseling themselves, they seek to better understand and/or manage and/or change the other’s behavior themselves.

They continue to concentrate on changing the other so that their two sides align and emotions and behavior become acceptable no matter how futile.

They do this because the reasonable side keeps them in the relationship even though the difficult side creates grief and turmoil.

What the people trying to fix the other don’t realize is this is who they are. They are satisfied with themselves and have no intention of changing.

This is who they are and you can’t get one side without the other. It is a package deal.

The real challenge for change is oneself.

The question is how do I continue to live with someone as described. Another question is what makes such an person attractive to me once I truly get, this is who they are.

It may be time to consider your choices and what you want in a partner instead of riding the merry-go-round that with each rotation takes another piece of you away.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it has to want to change.

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I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker. Check out all my services and then call me if you need help with a personal issue, mental health concern, child behavior or relationship, divorce or separation issue or even help growing your practice. I am available in person and by video conferencing.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW for counseling and support – to build your successful practice

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, former parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Georgina Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America. He consults to mental health professionals as well as to mediators and collaborative law professionals about good practice as well as building their practice.

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