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The Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man

October 11, 2013

Truly abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner:


  1.   Denial

Even with fingers caught in the cookie jar, abusive men are apt to outright deny wrongdoing. I didn’t do that. That’s not what you saw! This is quite crazy making for the women who live with them. These women are left questioning their own perceptions, seeking to resolve the cognitive dissonance between their experience and their partner’s description of what appears as an alternate reality. Bottom line: If you experience something with your own senses, don’t question yourself and don’t take your partner’s bunk.


  2.   Distortion

Distortion differs from denial in that while some truths are admitted to, they are manipulated to suit the abuser’s point of view. With distortion, they can turn a lie into a plausible truth: I may have done such and so, but I was just joking around. Because they rely on a half lie, the abusive man can be more difficult to hold accountable. The partner who is subject to this form of manipulation is apt to give the abuser multiple chances, feeling the need to have absolute certainty before they can really catch the abuser at this game. Bottom line: Don’t let him play games with your mind. If it smells bad, it is bad.


  3.    Deflection

The abuser that uses deflection never addresses any issue put to him. Rather, he is apt to barrage you with a host of other issues to throw you off his scent. He will make anything other than himself the issue and will be on it like a junk yard dog on a bone. What are you blaming me for? You know your mother doesn’t like me. Quit listening to her and we would be all right. She’s the problem between us! Don’t let yourself be misguided. Stick with the facts and continue to hold the abuser accountable. Don’t let him throw others under the bus to save himself.


  4.    Deception

Abusive men like to get away with whatever they can. The tactics include sneaking, stealing and lying. These are the guys who will tell you they are out bowling when having a sexual meet-up or say they are working late when out with the boys. As long as they don’t get caught, they continue to lie. Catch them in a lie and they are apt to deny, distort or deflect. How many lies do you have to catch your partner in before you get the message; this is an abusive man. No solid relationship can be built on lies.


  5.    Denigration

Denigration is a verbally violent tactic of the abusive men. These are put-downs that are meant to cause their partner to feel bad. To the degree they can make their partner feel bad, they elevate their own status. These men will demean and/or blame you for any issue originating with them. This kind of abuse is particularly dangerous to a women’s self-esteem. Once you accept that you are a lowly dog, he’s got full control of you and will use you up and spit you out when finished. Don’t let anyone put you down and even if he uses sarcasm, that is nothing but verbal abuse in disguised as humor.


Sadly, abusive men live among us and what’s worse; they can hide like wolves in sheep’s clothing. They can appear charming and they will try to work their way into your heart. They seek to ingratiate themselves to you. However, once in, they’re out  to exploit. Try and thwart them and they rely on their five best friends to hold power so they can continue to win their way for their own gratification.


If your partner uses any of these strategies or combination of strategies on you, see what you can do to help yourself. The likelihood of changing the truly abusive man is limited. Your local women’s shelter would be a good first place to seek counselling or a referral to other community resources.

I am Gary Direnfeld and I am a social worker.


Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas Ontario, providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at conferences and workshops throughout North America.

If your relationship is faltering, then set it as your priority.

Read: Marriage Rescue: Overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships.

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  1. Patti Williams permalink

    He also did some work with cancer patients at local Wellsprings. That’s where I met him. Truly helpful.

  2. Jake permalink

    I think taking a position of gender neutrality is very important when looking at the issues you’ve raised in your post. Both scenarios above sound very plausible.

    • Thanks Jake.

      To other readers, Jake had sought to post the above, with all the references to men, changed to women. I haven’t permitted that post, just in the interest of space and brevity. However, you can reread the above with the necessary changes to transpose the article to reflect on women.

      Thoughts welcomed.


      • Jake permalink

        I think it is very important to leave both of my posts as written. The post you did decide to leave (second of two) available for everyone to read makes no sense on its own. There is a lot of available space here.

      • Dianne Terp permalink

        There are women who use these same strategies. However, social controls help to limit their impact. Women just don’t have the width of influence and freedom men have. So the socio/psychopathic woman shows up more in a limited scenario. That being said, the elevation of women in society may also lead to the elevation of this type of woman having more sway. I can think of a few politicians and corporate executives who could use a diagnostic exam. Women as a group are often held up as the antidote to male evil tendencies. But given the same freedom and latitude, I regret to say that in my experience women can display all of the undesirable traits that men can.

  3. Kathleen permalink

    i’m sorry, I need this last part explained to me: “Now, let’s see which guy will step up to be the first to complain women do all the above too? Hmmm. Abusive guy?” Are you suggesting that only abusive guys will complain that women are abusive too? I’m a little shocked considering that you are a professional. There are plenty of abusive women in this world and frankly I’m a little surprised that you aren’t more aware of it.

    • Jake permalink

      ‘Are you suggesting that only abusive guys will complain that women are abusive too?’
      Good point Kathleen.

      This is one reason many men are still so hesitant to talk about being abused. Those in the position of authority making men feel stupid for even considering talking about being on the receiving end of abuse.

      “Now, let’s see which guy will step up to be the first to complain women do all the above too?
      Hmmm. Abusive guy?”

      For a person in a position of authority to make such a statement is appalling.

      • Yes – provocative and it draws out the divisity between the sexes. Don’t be so appalled. Look at the views this exposes.

        Please note, the diagnosis of Narcissistic personality disorder is not gender neutral. It is seem disproportionately more in men than women, just as borderline personality disorder is seen more in women than in men. Hence, not so reprehensible to speak to the respective genders about the respective issues.

  4. Vic Buchanon permalink

    What am I missing here? Isn’t it important to acknowledge abusive behavior is not limited to either sex or gender? Recognizing patterns of abusive behavior is far more important than which gender engages in such behavior. Abusive behavior seems to be the result of the need for attention and the desire of being in control. Being in control being the key. If we could focus on the number of issues that lead to one desiring attention and demanding control of every situation, instead of who does it more maybe we can begin to address how we can modify abusive behavior. Too often it seems we focus on a minute points instead of taking a view of the entire picture.

    • Vi Vic,

      Truth is, abuse and personality disorders are not gender neutral. Different kinds/ issues as per gender, even if there is some overlap in some areas. It is remarkable how some folks seem to need this to be gender neutral, when it isn’t. Interestingly as well is the need for folks to vilify the messenger on these matters.

      So, rather than being politically correct, it is interesting to me to see how some folks react. Those who understand the research and lack of gender neutrality take no issue with the presentation from a gender perspective. I have also been asked write a similar piece talking about borderline personality disorder – something for more common in women than men. Who do you think will take exception to that?

  5. Do you conform to a Code of Ethical Practice?
    If this is research by you how ethical is it?
    Personally I don’t see any division between the sexes, as I understand it we are all human beings

    • Hello Donal.
      This is not research. However, it does represent the experience of some women in abusive relationships with men who behave with tactics as described.

      While I agree we are all human, there are gender differences to behavior. This is not to say that both gender may not engage in the same or similar behavior (good or bad), but that some behaviors are seen disproportionately in one gender versus the other.

      This appears to be true as per social science research with regard to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Accordingly, this disorder is seen disproportionately in men on a ratio of up to 75/25 men to women. This statistic does mirror my experience in clinical practice. As such I have seen both men and women behave similarly, although more men than women.

      On the other hand, Borderline Personality Disorder is seen predominantly in women versus men, also at the rate of up to 75/25 women to men.

  6. Caroline permalink

    Absolutely everything you said about a male abusive man is exactly what I experienced.

  7. Caroline permalink

    Absolutely everything you said about an abusive man is exactly what I experienced.

  8. HERE are comments from other chats with regard to this article:

    Marriage and Family Therapist in Sonoma, CA

    Counselor in private practice
    I understand the informative piece, but why the challenges? Do you want to pick a fight?

    Why JUST men? Are these behaviors not as equally true for all narcissistic presentations regardless of gender?

    Women are abusive, too. I have no argument with the opinion piece, other than to point out that plenty of women are narcissists as well. It’s an equal opportunity diagnosis. 😉

    Gary Direnfeld
    Yes, there is an equal opportunity for the diagnosis yet it is diagnosed on a ratio of about 75/25 men to women.

    and some

    Gary, thank you for the informative and stimulating article. There were a few points I felt I had to raise:

    – While I recognise that men who abuse cause a great deal of harm in the lives of those they abuse (and their children and families) I don’t believe that labelling them “narcissists”, “sociopaths” and “wolves” is helpful, particularly as abusive behaviour is increasingly linked to perpetrators’ experience of abuse. To label men who abuse using pejorative language implies they are beyond recovery. This is particularly poignant when children are involved, for they have the right have a relationship with their father, even if he has been abusive to his partner. I know many social workers who work with abusive men to support them to address their issues, which is a much more hopeful and potentially beneficial approach.
    – You appear to assume that the victims of abusive men are all women. This discounts abuse that occurs within gay relationships, for example. This is a somewhat simplistic, indeed chauvinistic (in the original meaning) analysis.
    – Finally, I am going to rise to your bait, Gary, at least partially. There are women who abuse men, too. This appears to occur far less frequently than male on female abuse, but it does occur, and likely more than is reported, due to perceptions – further propagated by your article – that it is a ‘women’s issue’.

    Abuse is a complex issue that affects us all. It has consequences for the abused, the abuser, their children, and society as a whole. “The likelihood of changing the truly abusive man is limited”. I don’t know on what evidence you base this statement, but there are professionals developing and running successful abuse perpetrators’ programmes all over the world whom I’d venture to say disagree strongly with you.

    Gary, at the risk of disappointing you, I’m not going to be the first guy to step up and say your article isn’t being fair to men, but I am going to be the first guy to step up and say your article isn’t being fair to men who abuse. . . and those whose lives are affected by this complex issue.

    Sounds like Corporation America!

    Hey Gary! Well, I’ll take that challenge up! First, let me say that you could have changed the headline on your piece to say “Five ‘Friends’ of Bullies”, because your profile would fit them as well.Women do have similar dynamics–though I would imagine with some differences. Although some men have been physically abused, the numbers compared to men physically abusing women would be minimal. I’m not making a case that it happens as much, only that it does happen.The other thing I would point out, is that in my experience with clients, women do it more “politically” and indirectly than the more “in-your-face” style of most abusive men. Examples might include mothers alienating or splitting off the children from their fatherwith verbal abuse (e.g., slights, insults and innuendo).I’m treating a man right now whose ex-wife, over-spent family funds, refused any form of intimacy, was emotionally aloof and withdrawn except for her nasty commentary, passive-aggressive manner and alienated their only child from her father; believe me, it was abusive and unloving on any reasonable standard.I think your article accurately identifies the basic characteristics of an abusive partner. The only other dynamic I would point out, that would come under “deflection” would be turning around the blame with statements like “…You made me do it!” or another common dynamic of out-arguing and escalating an argument which can become so intimidating that one would be a fool to continue to risk further abuse.

    Gary Direnfeld
    Great comments Chris and your provide them in a most respectful and appropriate manner. FYI – Spent a few days on the witness stand recently testifying in family court. The issues applied to the woman. So yes, this is a knife that cuts both ways.

    However, this is a knife that does not cut both ways equally.

    While narcissism does affect both men and women, it does not do so equally. Statistically speaking, the prevalence of narcissism is divided as much as 75/25% men to women. Further we tend to see greater pathology in the men. This of course takes nothing away from the fact that there will be some women too who present with serious psychopathology.

    What do you see as effective in working with a narcissistic client, Gary? (Or anyone)

    I have heard of an attempt in the work arena through corporate coaching, when a “difficult” employee is sent to get coaching or lose their job. The blunt feedback of how their behaviors affect their co-workers and boss seem to at least capture their attention and help them focus on changing behaviors. Do you know of any research on this?

    I see scarcely nothing on positive results working with a narcissist, however compliant he or she may be, in therapy.

    The partners – usually women – I see in therapy are generally wanting to try to help their narcissist partner change, before they are ready to consider leaving. I know the syndrome behind that trap. But I sometimes wonder if there are advancements I haven’t heard about before suggesting to my client there is little hope.

    Gary Direnfeld
    Statistics I have seen with regard to a positive outcome of counseling on those reaching criteria for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder range in the neighborhood of 40 to 60%.

    What is clear though is that given the diagnosis, the likelihood of helping such person develop a more balanced or reasonable perspective with regard to themselves or others is minimal as opposed to helping towards managing the deleterious effects of their personality disorder on relationships.

    To that end, I too rely on an educational approach to explain the disorder and coaching to facilitate more harmonious relationships. Trouble is, given the nature of the disorder, even coaching is a limited use as the narcissists often halfheartedly utilizes the guidance with the distorted belief that if only the other person did the changing, all would be well.

    I happen to see many folks who reach criteria for this disorder as my work often involves facilitating and coordinating parenting plan for separated parents deemed “high conflict”. Persons with personality disorders are over-represented in this clinical population.

    Because I am quite often not helpful from the perspective of the person who reaches criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder, I am then vilified and become a focal point for their frustration. These folks are quite apt to shoot the messenger.

    Not a job for the faint of heart.

    Nope. Kudos to you for the work you do! Let there be thanks for the times we have few of those in our practice.

    I do have one experience of watching a person with a strong trifecta of narcissism, bipolar (suspected) and alcohol abuse actually making significant, if short term, progress. I can’t take credit for the work, as I worked with the ex-wife, not him. But I heard the reports of his behavior, and after discovering some abuse history, he became a kinder, gentler person who seemed to show real empathy and apology. Sadly, the next round of disappointments he suffered threw him back into his old bullying self.

    I write about this because I’m trying to understand some framework that will give me hope that someone with so much suffering – and who is so destructive to his/her family – can be helped. I hear reports of therapists from a psychoanalytic perspective having some success, but the narcissist has to stay in therapy long enough for those breakthroughs to happen. I’m fighting what I see as the general consensus, which I believe myself, that there’s little hope, because their dysfunction is exactly what keeps them from being able to change.

    Excellent discussion. – I agree with the points made and the dissonance created. I like Chris’s point that abusive men and women too, I am sure, have a strong tendency to blame the victim. (she pushed my buttons as an example). Eventually the abused person begins to think that perhaps there is some truth to this. This serves to increase the power of the abuser.

    Gary Direnfeld
    Yes Beth – those on other chats talk about their work from a psychodynamic perspective.

    However, they too endure the same issues as noted here and their success is no better for all the same reasons.

    The narcissist is actually ego-syntonic. In other words, they are fine with themselves. If depressed or anxious it is due to a narcissistic wound, the impact of a perceived transgression by another towards them. Hence even if appearing under duress, it is still not they who need to change, but the other. Thus they are not only quite treatment resistant, but treatment impervious.

    Sad really. They have so much negative impact on others and this turns around to bite them back, but they are so distanced from their impact on the other, they cannot see themselves as the cause of what comes in return.

    Pity the partner in this scenario, always left holding the bag to the extent they come to believe all issues of the relationship originate with themselves as per the projection of the narcissist.

    Treatment is really about a rescue mission then – the rescue of the partner, saving them from thinking they are crazy in this topsy-turvy relationship.

    @Beth et al…I think that observation you made about women who try their best to affect changes in a partner before leaving is connected to that romantic notion many have that part of the specialness of their relationship is that they are the ones that can change the partner with love; I sympathize, but sadly it’s all too often just a relationship myth. That sounds terribly unromantic, but I think it is overplayed as a romantic notion. Sorry….

    (I guess I’m torn between the romance I inherited along with my Italian genes and the psychology that comes with being a marriage family therapist).

    Totally agree, we can’t change anyone but ourselves. But we’re also programmed to stay in a marriage, or relationship, and give it our all before calling it quits. Not to mention the folk for whom divorce simply isn’t an option.

    I think my own disconnect is a pacing issue. It’s so easy to see from the outside when someone is dealing with a narcissist, which spells doom to the relationship. But the partner needs a lot more time to come to the same conclusion. I don’t like to write off a person with an idea they won’t change, so I stay open to the client’s hopes that if the client changes, it might evoke change in their narcissistic partner. Who likes being “Love’s Executioner”?

    What about abusive women? It occurs to me that anyone who uses power and control tactics designed to objectify their partners; friends; etc…, uses similar tactics which render the other seemingly powerless and isolated.

    It’s so true – parents, husbands, wives, children, bosses and anyone in any position of power or authority can use a variety of abusive tactics to control and harm others in order to gratify themselves in some way. There is always some sort of emotional imbalance, illness or wound at play in those who use these strategies. Hopefully the mental health field will advance to the point where we can heal abusive personalities one day1d ago

    Gary Direnfeld
    Great perspective Linda/Susan! I appreciate this coming from women, If it came from a man, I worry that that may be a man engaged in the very behavior I write about. It can be very telling, how a person replies.

    Gary! Your response concerns me a great deal! You just stated that your judgement is influenced based solely on gender! You even generically use ‘a man’ – if any man wrote what Susan wrote you worry that your opinion would have been the opposite?

    What about the abusive women ?

    Yup…was married to one of those 8 years ago…glad that’s done. I feel so much better about myself and there was never anything wrong with me. I was not crazy nor imagining things. It was what I truly knew it was, despite his accusations and denials. Feels good to be free.

    Don’t forget the abusive women!

    Gary Direnfeld
    Just to add, that while narcissism does affect both men and women, it does not do so equally. Statistically speaking, the prevalence of narcissism is divided as much as 75/25% men to women.

    Why can’t these lists be gender generic? I have seen WOMEN with these 5 traits as well.

    I am a woman, and I will be the first to respond to your challenge “Now, let’s see which guy will step up to be the first to complain women do all the above too?” Your points are valid, but would be more accurate if the word “man” was changed to “person”. Low self esteem and ego gratification are not limited to the male gender. It may look and sound a little different, but trust me, women do in fact do all of the above. I would suggest that women re-read this while holding a different context, (aka, not looking to blame him)…and take a good look in the mirror and be honest with themselves about how they may use articles like this to deflect and deny the truth about the abuse they themselves inflict upon not only their men, but themselves. Your article should perhaps be renamed the “5 best friends of the Ego”

    Gary-Total agree with your assessment of abusive men. I will also believe some women use similar tactics but they are considered conniving, not abusive so there is a gender bias on now society defines similar actions. I am not complaining, just offering my assessment of the situation.

    Interesting, Gary. Anecdotally from my experience, I’d say that it’s about 60% men 40% women. Then again, I work in the addictions field, which might skew the numbers a bit…One of my best friends was a battered male…his wife was truly abusive and had all five characteristics. She was called on the carpet by Dept. of Human Services and arrested multiple times… Both are deceased now in motor vehicle accidents. Hers was her fault; his was in FL where he got run down on his motorcycle (sober) by an 80 year old woman who
    “didn’t see him” May they both rest in peace…

    Gary: I think you nailed it – the most succinct description I have seen of a type of guy that we do see from time to time. This extreme form is essentially incorrigible. My colleague Dr. ————– uses the following apt description: “allergic to blame.” There is also a female version of this type – unfortunately. “Borderline personality disorder” is the term that I hear most often from clinicians to describe the constellation of behaviors and attitudes. I wonder if you might try your hand (if you haven’t already) at the five best friends of the abusive woman? And thank you for your insights!!

    Thank you for another great article!

    I agree with David, Gary. I could not agree more with your article and some of what you described is also known at gaslighting. In any event, as I was reading it, I was thinking that what you described is very similar to the net effect of dealing with a person who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder — predominately women.

    You’ve done a nice job of identifying “cover tactics” of people trying to get away with stuff. But why do you narrow this to write that these are friends of the abusive man, Gary, when I’ve seen women do many or all of the same things? A second question: your advice to these men’s women is to trust your instincts, but what if the explanations really are “objectively” true, and the woman is feeling insecure, or has a tendency to that, or is BPD herself? And again, I don’t understand why this is a “man” issue, as opposed to a “people” issue applicable to all. But I admit that I’m just a lawyer with no formal training in psychology other than 25+ years experience in Family Law…. PS – I’m NOT saying you’re not being fair to men, I’m wondering why you don’t feel women are equally subject to these dodges.

    Gary Direnfeld
    Hi Douglas,

    There is a propensity in mental health, I think egged on by justice issues that mental health problems be presented as gender neutral. However, this is not the reality of disorders. With regard to some mental health disorders, they are not distributed equally across gender. To present such disorders as gender neutral obscures this fact and does a disservice to the sufferers and those affected by the sufferers.

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder is seen disproportionately more in men and as a result, it is women who tend to be more impacted when in relationships with these men. Statistically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is seen in a ratio of up to 75/25 men to women. (FYI – Borderline Personality Disorder is seen disproportionately more in women than men by the same ratio. Hence in another article I present the issue as it impacts men living with women with that disorder.)

    I present many of my articles from a phenomenological perspective, meaning, this is the experience of the majority of persons affected by living with someone who has the disorder. This is not to say whatsoever, that either gender can present with these disorders, but to underscore the fact that the incidence of the disorder is not gender neutral.

    I am amazed at the resistance or need of others to defend, protect, assume things must be represented as gender neutral, when they are not. I do agree that my framing of the issue in my writings does draw out this issue, which, quite frankly, is my intention. Good to have a debate and good to get accurate information on the table even in view of political correctness. Just to reiterate though, while Narcissistic Personality can show itself in both men and women, it is not equally distributed between then and as such, living with a narcissist is an issue for more women than men, albeit difficult for both.

    Thanks for the response, Gary. I’m not one who assumes, or certainly not one who advocates, for “gender neutrality” when there are demonstrated differences, so no offense taken there. (I actually strongly dislike the concept of “defaulting to” political correctness.) I simply note that both sexes can have the same types of issues. You have clarified that this is true, but that men have more NPD than women, and women have more BPD than men. Interesting, and I now am further educated!

    PS – Love the photo on top of your blog!

    Gary Direnfeld
    Pleased Douglas… and here is something of interest about the dog:

    Gary, You are always so right on. Your article is concise and correct! I’m going to print it out so I have it available. (I’ll be sure to give you credit)
    I love that you challenged the guys, also.

  9. Dianne Terp permalink

    Is there something preventing us from looking at the social structures that produce gender differences in psych diagnoses? There is a need behind the disorder. It will come out in some way. People are more or less limited to expressing their disorders in what society offers to them for means of expression. Those who ignore these controls are called Seriously Mentally Ill. They have managed to skip Axis 2 altogether.

  10. I have an intimate friend who has these best friends. In the beginning I laughed when he leaned on this thinking because I genuinely believed he was joking. Over time, I enjoyed that he is great at debate so when I gradually came to understand how his core belief system was not up for debate, I began to create distance. Now I don’t know how to bridge the gap by suggesting his core belief system is keeping me away.

  11. Lorraine permalink

    Hello all
    As a non-professional who just “happened” upon this article, I thought I would make a comment. I admit I am uneducated as to the diagnoses, etc., but I want to say that I enjoyed the article. It was informative and useful to me in my personal life. I work with many people who are in abusive relationships, and I see the scenario played out over and over – and indeed it is not just women who are the recipients. In my (unscientific) experience, the overwhelmingly predominantly female population merely supports the notion that men are simply less likely to report being victimized…by either a female OR a male partner. It seems to me that if we could remove the stigma of reporting, we might see almost equal numbers of female and male victims. (??)
    The last sentence did bother me though – I don’t think one has to be an abuser to acknowledge or point out that women can be equally abusive. And one doesn’t have to be a “guy” either!

  12. anonymous cuz I can permalink

    When women and children have EQUAL protections under the laws as male abusers have THEN we’ll talk about menz rights. Pathetic “Men Rights” trolls here commenting.

  13. Howdy! This post couldn’t be written any better!

    Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate!

    He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him.
    Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  14. My brother suggested I may like this blog. He was once totally right.
    This publish truly made my day. You can not consider simply how much time I had spent for this information!

    • Caroline permalink

      So glad your brother found this article for you. It certainly confirmed my belief in what I felt was wrong in my marriage and that I could not change things.

  15. Micky permalink

    Thank you for posting this in such a concise, clear way. You have obvious insight in these matters.

    So many people are missing the point by posting, “Women are narcissists, too.” What they fail to realize is by doing so, they are showing their obvious discomfort with the fact that this is largely a male-dominated issue. Culture plays into and encourages these traits in men, and attempts to ignore this stunt our ability to make social changes which could improve these statistics. This argument is also silly because these people who are so “forward thinking” miss out on an entire spectrum of gender and instead solely point the finger at cisgender women. Sounds like a bunch of misogynistic, cisgendered men who are pissed off at being called out.

    “But there are women saying this too!”

    Yup. Women can internalize misogyny fairly easily.

    Whoops. Guess your prejudice is showing again.

    Thanks for being willing to post information like this, Gary. It saves lives.

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